Five Ways to Hone Your Listening Skills

If you could enjoy a personal conversation with a presidential candidate away from the lights, the press, and the public, what questions would you ask?

Three years ago, we were given the opportunity to meet with one of the candidates for the Republican nomination. Before the candidate’s speech, his state campaign director scheduled a meeting for us with the candidate. 

We walked into the room prepared with questions to ask this man who believed he was qualified to become President of the United States. He cordially welcomed us to sit with him at a round table.

Before we could ask him any questions, he opened with a barrage of questions. First, he asked about the farm and the family singing ministry. Next, he asked each one of us what we enjoyed doing. Mitchell told him his passion to preach. I related my interest in deep, meaningful books. My brother Taylor shared his love for basketball. In ten minutes, our interview was over, and we still had not come to any of our questions. As we exited the room, he banteringly told my brother Taylor, “Keep working on that jump shot!”

That one episode taught me that world-changers are not simply those who possess the greatest oratorical skills; world-changers are those who hone effective listening skills.

From the President to the plumber, we all need to listen well. “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath” (James 1:19). In other words, we should be more concerned about listening well than about speaking every thought on our mind.

Today’s post covers the following five essential keys to good listening: eye contact, mental engagement, body language, deep questions, and Christlike humility. If consistently practiced, these exercises can revolutionize a conversation.

1. Maintain Excellent Eye Contact

The eyes are the window of the soul. A good listener’s eyes inform the speaker that the listener is listening and genuinely cares about every word being said.

Can you remember a time when an individual shifted their eyes away from you while conversing? Such wandering or shifty eyes communicate impatience, distraction, or hurriedness. In contrast, those who focus their eyes on the individual speaking tell them that there is no one else they would rather be in conversation with.

Good eye contact requires focus on the speaker’s face, demonstrating that you are mentally processing their message.

2. Fully Engage Mentally

Henry David Thoreau once said, “The greatest compliment that was ever paid me was when one asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.”

At age twelve, Christ conversed with the doctors of the law, “both hearing them and asking them questions.” “And all that heard Him were amazed at His understanding and answers” (Luke 2:46-47). A perfect communicator, Christ fully engaged in conversation, listening, asking questions, and giving insightful responses.

Like Christ, we should strive to remain fully present with our mind. How can we fully engage mentally?

First, listen with the goal of repeating everything you hear back. Every time we have sung in Mexico, our interpreter has translated our testimonies from English to German, the language of the Mennonites. He attentively listens in order to correctly interpret every word being said.

Next, listen with the goal of summarizing the main points and thoughts of the other person. By mentally summarizing and verbally repeating back the key themes in each conversation stage, you demonstrate attentiveness.

Mental engagement demands focused discipline. You must shun daydreaming. You must focus your mind on every word the other person is saying, not on what you are dying to say next. Never become so busy that you cannot genuinely listen. As Plutarch stated, “Know how to listen, and you will profit even from those who talk badly.”

3. Improve Your Body Language 

As Adler and Proctor note in their book Interpersonal Communications, “It’s impossible not to communicate.” In our verbal silence, the question is not, “are we communicating?” Rather, the question is, “what messages are we sending to the speaker?”

I recently talked to a young man about his life and passions. During the conversation, he faced me, engaging with his face and body. One day later, Cassidy and I welcomed an individual at one of our concerts. While still talking, he walked around behind us. We turned in order to better listen as he was speaking. He was still talking when he walked off.

Body language (Kinesics) is often subconsious, but always is noticeable. Good posture communicates confidence. Crossed arms can sometime communicate a message of defiance or defensiveness to the message being said. A body turned away from the speaker can communicate disinterest.

The hands, arms, legs, feet, and face all communicate messages. The entire body of the intentional listener should communicate care for the other person.

4. Ask Meaningful Questions

A good conversationalist is not someone who knows how to fill silence with remarks. A good conversationalist is someone who asks good questions so that the other person can do most of the talking.

I recently sat across from a wise middle aged gentleman who peppered me with questions. We discussed a wide variety of topics, including family, to blog, ministry, and business. As I responded, he attentively listened, and then asked relevant followup questions.

His attitude mirrored the attitude of Larry King, who once said, “I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.”

After asking a question, you must be prepared to listen for the answer. In the words of Winston Churchill, “Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.”

5. Exercise Christlike Humility 

A Christ-like attitude must prompt the actions of true listening. Paul exhorts, “Look not ever man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others” (Philippians 2:4). When we exercise humility and others-focus, we realize the heart of listening in following the example of Christ.

A perfect communicator, Christ attentively listened to individuals like Nicodemus and the woman at the well. He deeply cared about individuals with every personality, from every walk of life.

He came to “seek and save the lost.” When asked by his parents why he stayed in the temple, he replied, “Wist ye not that I must be about my Father’s business?” Everything Christ did, including listening, was part of his Father’s work. He humbled Himself in every way. It was not about Him. It was about his mission.

Likewise, when we realize that we are here to glorify God, we can discover that humble listening is part of our divine work.

The Forgotten Value of Listening

The ear is the fastest way to the heart. Listening is often a selfless exercise, yet it is one that is truly rewarding. Good listening requires excellent eye-contact, mental engagement, body language, meaningful questions, and Christlike humility.

As you focus your eyes, mind, body, and heart into the exercise of listening, you will discover incredible rewards. Not only will you grow in character and wisdom, you will learn to love others as Christ loved.

Effective listening testifies to a Christ-centered life. If you truly listen, your words will be fewer, but the poignant ones you utter may pierce to the heart.

Question: Which points resonated with you the most? How will you strive to become a better listener today?

Recommended Resources

25 Ways to Win With People by John Maxwell

How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie

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Disclosure of Material Connection: The links in the above post are “affiliate links.” This means if you click on the link and purchase the item, I will receive an affiliate commission. Regardless, I only recommend books I personally have read and believe will add value to my readers. I do not personally agree with everything stated in the recommended books, but I have benefited from each book in some way.