Are You a Man a Woman Would Want to Marry?

I don’t know how young I was when I knelt beside my bed with my parents and prayed this prayer before bedtime: “Lord, would you please give me a godly wife someday.”

My younger brother Hudson has been praying that same prayer since he was two. We are 8 1/2 years apart, and at different stages of our journey of intentionality. 

Fast-forward to age twelve, and I began creating a list of qualities to pray for in a future wife. In the coming years, I honed and expanded that list, adding scripture references to each item. 

Somewhere around age eighteen, I realized a problem. I was spending more time on a list for my future wife than on a list for myself. In other words, I was more concerned with finding the right wife than with becoming the right man. 

Are you ready for marriage?

If you are a young man contemplating marriage, your first issue of concern should be yourself. While you must pray for a godly wife and get to know godly girls, you should never allow that to become your primary preoccupation. You cannot pursue a girl until you have first prayed and prepared yourself. 

Consider this question: Am I the kind of guy that I would want my daughters or sisters to marry? Would I want a clone of myself for a son-in-law or brother-in-law?

The marks of a godly man

One of the most important questions to ask yourself is this one: What are the Biblical qualifications of a husband and father? 

At age 18, I searched the scriptures to find the answer to that very question. I studied many passages, including I Timothy 3, Titus 1, and Psalm 112. My studies produced the following list. If you’re a young man, I encourage to carefully evaluate your life by God’s Word as you read through these scriptures and accompanying questions.

1. Saved and fully surrendered to the Lord

“And he answering said, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbour as thyself” (Luke 10:27).

Was God first in my life and did I love him more than anything else?

2. Willing and able to provide for my family

“But if any provide not for his own, and specially for those of his own house, he hath denied the faith, and is worse than an infidel” (I Timothy 5:8).

How would I provide financially? Could I budget? How much money did I need to support a family? How would I provide spiritually?

3. A competent spiritual leader

“One that ruleth well his own house, having his children in subjection with all gravity” (I Timothy 3:4).

Could I lead a family? How was I exercising leadership within my current responsibilities?

Around the same time I compiled this list, the book Spiritual Leadership revealed to me the characteristics of a true spiritual leader.

4. Morally stable

Proverbs 5-7 contain strong warnings against immorality.

Was I living as a one-woman man?

5. Know what I believe based off God’s Word

“Holding fast the faithful word as he hath been taught, that he may be able by sound doctrine both to exhort and to convince the gainsayers” (Titus 1:9).

Did I know what I believed and why I believed it? Could I defend those positions biblically?

6. Outward focused

“But a lover of hospitality, a lover of good men, sober, just, holy, temperate” (Titus 1:8).

Was I selfish or focused on others? 

7. Disciplined and self-controlled

Could I submit my body, mind, time, finances, mouth, and passions to the Holy Spirit’s control (Ephesians 5:16, 2 Timothy 2:1, Titus 1:7)?

8. Be able to have wholesome, Christ-centered conversations with anyone

Did I look on “my own things” or on “the things of others” (Philippians 2:4)?

Did I treat members of the opposite gender with courtesy, purity, and selflessness, as sisters in Christ (I Timothy 5:2)?

9. Patient and slow to anger

Was I “patient” (I Timothy 3:3) and “not soon angry” (Titus 1:7)?

My reactions to undesirable situations before marriage would set the trajectory for my reactions after marriage.

10. The character to always do the right thing no matter who is watching

Did I live by principle and fear of the Lord, like Daniel and Joseph (Daniel 1, Genesis 39)?

11. Fear of the Lord

“Only fear the Lord, and serve Him in truth with all your heart: for consider how great things He hath done for you” (I Samuel 12:24).

Would I live fearing man or God?

12. Implicit faith and trust in God’s Word

“Every Word of God is pure: He is a shield unto them that put their trust in Him” (Proverbs 30:5).

Would I rely on the inspiration and authority of God’s Word to guide my life?

13. A clear sense of vision and direction

“Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Proverbs 29:18).

Did I know where I used to be, where I was, and where I was going? Was I living on purpose or by accident?

Where would I be in 5, 10, 15, or 20 years? How was I growing?

14. A ministry mind-set with a passion for reaching the lost

“Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen” (Matthew 28:19-20).

Did I possess a passion for the lost? How was I discipling those around me?

15. A spirit of humility and confidence in the Lord

“Without me ye can do nothing” (John 15:5). “But he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud, but giveth grace unto the humble” (James 4:6). “For with God nothing shall be impossible” (Luke 1:37).

Did I have the humility to realize my worthlessness apart from Christ and the confidence to fulfill His will by His strength?

How does one prepare? 

If you’re a young man, reading this list, may I encourage you with a few thoughts. First, marriage and fatherhood is far sweeter than you can ever imagine. As Proverbs 18:22 says, “Whoso findeth a wife, findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favor of the Lord.”

Second, it is God’s will for most of you to marry. God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18).

Third, marriage will not fix all your problems. You cannot expect to find a godly wife if you are not a godly man. You will likely marry someone of the similar spiritual caliber as you are.

Fourth, marriage is a noble goal to strive towards. Whether or not God allows you to marry, you will be a better man for having prepared for it.

Fifth, you will never marry without intentional preparation. Time flies by faster than you think. You cannot expect God to bless you tomorrow if you refuse to redeem the years you have today.

Sixth, you need to get to know the right kind of families and girls.

Last, preparing for marriage and life ultimately involves more than a list. One one hand, we young men should constantly evaluate our lives, character, and leadership by the standards of God’s Word. For this, a list is beneficial.

On the other hand, a list is only the beginning. Having evaluated our lives by God’s Word, we then bow before the Lord in repentance and broken surrender, asking Him to transform our desires and to strengthen us to follow Him in obedience. We must seek to daily walk with God as did Noah, David, and the great men of old.

By His grace, we can become more like Christ every day, as we deepen our relationship with Him. If we “Draw nigh to God,” He will certainly draw nigh to us. (James 4:8).

Draw close to God. Honestly evaluate your life. Ask others to show you blind spots you may have. Pray for wisdom. Pursue in God’s timing. It won’t just happen.

Question: How does our society downplay true manliness and godly marriage? What are the marks of a godly man?

Recommended Resources

Spiritual Leadership

On Being a Leader for God

21 Tenets of Biblical Masculinity